The last few months have been a roller coaster for me. I wish I could say that I have trusted God throughout this process without wavering. I would love to write about how I never doubted God would come through. Well, I did waver, and I did doubt. I asked a million questions and even begged for some stuff, worrying about what God might have planned (as if it might be bad). Through all of this God taught me lessons I couldn't have learned any other way, and now as I watch things unfold, I am amazed again at His goodness and faithfulness. Despite all of my failings in this process, God's faithfulness did not change.
When I got a phone call from a pediatric home health agency a couple of weeks ago, I actually told the guy I wasn't interested in home health, but I would take the information anyway. And then I called him back and asked him a million questions, but was still skeptical. After over 9 years of Pediatric ICU, I couldn't envision sitting in a house with one patient. Honestly, the picture in my head was one of boredom. One week later he calls me back and tells me they have a very unique situation that might be a good fit for me. When I heard the story, I thought, for the first time, that this might be plausible. Another week later, I interviewed with the agency and met the family. After I left their house that day, I started to realize all the ways that God had answered my prayers for a job. I had 2 specific requests: dayshift; and that the people I would be working with would be supportive of my overseas trips (which the mom was very excited about). These were met, and more. As a bonus, God placed me in a situation where I am able to continue doing pediatrics (I thought I would have to give this up until I finished my degree).
One of my favorite devotions is from Oswald Chambers', My Utmost For His Highest. It says,
"Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life - gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God...We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next...Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in - but you can be certain that He will come."
I love that Chambers describes the attitude in which we should live as "gracious uncertainty". I am really good at uncertainty, it's the "gracious" part I need to work on. I hope that I can learn to be more gracious and less anxious, and to live with "breathless expectation" of a loving Father who desires to give good gifts to His children.
