Coming Up For Air

The last 18 months have been full of school and work, but little else (although I crammed in some family time and a couple of trips to South Sudan). It's still a bit surreal that I'm finished. I have been fairly busy since finishing a month ago, but it has been full of family, fun, and a real vacation complete with a beach. And all by choice. It's been amazing. I'm starting to breathe again.

After my contract in Dallas I returned to Colorado. This time for good. For the first time in 6 years I will have a full-time job that is not a contract job. It's time to leave travel nursing behind. For at least the next 2 years, I will be at Children's Hospital of Colorado in the Pediatric ICU, where I have been for most of my contracts. This place is home for me. I have been so amazingly blessed to land with this hospital family, and a manager who is extremely supportive of my continued overseas adventures. I will continue to be a part of the Cleft Lip team with Samaritan's Purse, and have also recently joined their disaster relief team.

Soon I will post about our most recent trip to South Sudan. I have come to love this country and its people, and I'm so sad as I read about the fighting that recently broke out again. I pray that we can return there again. There are still so many people that we can help. Our annual trip there is certainly a bright spot when so much seems to be going badly in the world. God is still at work.

A Little Update

In the last 5+ years, I have frequently had changes come my way. Some I was expecting, some I chose, and sometimes, like now, it was neither chosen nor expected. Next, I find myself heading back to Texas. Dallas to be exact. Through a series of rules imposed upon me by school, work, and the oh-so-awesome IRS, I cannot extend my current work contract in Denver and must go elsewhere until I'm done with school. I'll spare you the boring details.

This new adventure at Children's Medical Center will begin in the middle of September, and probably last until I finish school, which will hopefully be June of next year. Accepting this and adjusting to the idea has been a process for me. It just recently hit me that I will be leaving Colorado soon. For real. And I don't really know if it's temporary or not. My roots are here, my community is here, my heart is here. This is hard.

After I finished being in denial about the whole thing, there was some freaking out. Maybe kind of a lot. And then I had to remind myself that none of the things that have ultimately led to this move are a surprise to God. His plan really is the best one, even if I don't agree or don't understand. I don't want to settle for good when He has the "best" in mind. Along the way, when I've doubted, God has been right there with confirmation in some form or another. He has been so faithful even when I've struggled.

While in Dallas for the next several months, I will just be focusing on school and work, and it will be nice to be within reasonable driving distance of family for the holiday season.

So, that's what's happening. Never a dull moment :).

Juba Recap

A few weeks before our team returned to Juba this year, we lost a valuable Sudanese team member. Deng wore many hats and accomplished more for our team than could ever be accounted for. I didn't know him very well. I wish I had had the opportunity to get to know him better. He was extremely passionate about the Cleft Lip Project, and he found many patient's from his own village that were able to have surgery. Deng was never without a huge smile on his face or his infamous bowtie. I'm sure he was smiling down on us as we added 77 more patients to all that we have accomplished in Juba. I am so privileged to work alongside this team serving "the least of these." Here's to you Deng...

I wish I could upload the video in higher quality, but you can go here to see the pics much clearer.

Off to Juba

In a week I will be back in Juba, South Sudan on the Cleft Lip Surgery team with Samaritan's Purse. This will be my 4th trip with the team, and we have about 100 patients awaiting our arrival. Currently, 1 of 2 shipping containers have cleared customs in Kenya. Please pray for the 2nd container to be released in a timely manner. We cannot operate without the supplies. Please also pray for the safety of the team and the patients as we all travel to Juba.

Abraham and his new handsome smile (Nov 2014)

We have 3 full surgical teams this trip so we will be running 3 surgeries at a time in 1 operating room most of each day. Please check out this video from Samaritan's Purse.

http://www.samaritanspurse.org/article/transforming-lives-through-cleft-lip-surgery/

These trips are fully funded by donations to the Cleft Lip program through SP. Because of this, I do not have to fundraise to be a part of this team. Please consider supporting this ministry. The video shows the great need that exists for us to continue this trip, as well as expanding the program in the future.

                                                                   

A Glimpse

I usually save blogging for stories from my overseas trips, but I decided to do a little update. I've been back in the Pediatric ICU since October after being out for a year and a half. When I first went back, I was absolutely scared out of my mind. Much to my surprise, and relief, by the end of the first shift it seem to all come back to me, and by the end of the first week I felt right at home. Around the holidays we had some tough cases in the unit. I started to notice that things seemed different to me, but I couldn't really explain it or put it in to words. As we started the new year, we have barely been able to keep an open bed in the unit for more than a few minutes, meaning we have 30+ patients most of the time. The majority come, get better, and go home.

Over the last few weeks or so, we seem to have had a cluster of really difficult losses. I recently had a conversation with a coworker that was extremely helpful for me as we processed after taking care of a particular patient. It had hit me harder than most and my coworker asked me why I thought that was. Without hesitation, and without thinking, I told her it was because the family actually let me care for them, and so I was feeling it with them. We see people at their worst. In the midst of tragedy, coping is sometimes impossible, and a lot of times, it is difficult for families to receive from us because we are strangers and something horrible is happening to their child. For the staff, our own emotion and grief has to go somewhere, but over time we learn to shut it off. We have to disconnect to some degree or it just becomes overwhelming. In my time away from the ICU I forgot how to shut that off, but it turns out that I am very grateful for this. I didn't realize that I was so burnt out when I left, and the time off wasn't exactly planned. But now that I'm back I'm realizing how badly I needed a reprieve; to fill back up so that I would have something to give to these families. In this case, these parents allowed me to care for them, to help carry the grief, and to make the process peaceful. This is where I find the dichotomy of my job. I love it and I hate it. The very existence of my profession means that kids are sick, hurt, and dying. I hate that my job has to exist. On the other hand, since it does exist, I can't imagine a greater privilege than taking care of those very kids and their families. I love that. I really do love my job. I feel more of the pain because I choose not to shut down, but I also get to feel more joy. The day that it doesn't hurt or that I'm not sad with them, or that I don't feel the relief and joy, is the day I quit. Although there are losses, we have many victories too. There are days when I walk out of the hospital knowing that I was in the right place at the right time and our team did the right thing. In the joy of the victory, and in the sorrow and grief of the loss, I was created for this. More than ever before, I have felt the grace of God in my job in this recent challenging season. I have had some amazing connections and conversations with families. God has taught how to listen to them, given me the words to speak, and the wisdom to know when to be silent. Most of this has happened without me really realizing it, but the more I pray for God to take care of my assignments at work, the more He creates these encounters and I sit back amazed at what He is doing. I am reminded that joy and peace are not found in circumstances, whether good or bad. They are present because God is present with me. I am not in this on my own. If I were, I could never carry this load.

I don't want to leave this without adding a little something else. My niece, Bella, died almost 11 years ago. Sometimes I can't believe it's been that long. It feels like yesterday. God has taken that horrible loss and made me the nurse that I am. When I have the privilege of caring for a child who is headed to heaven, I picture Bella standing with Jesus waiting to greet them and show them around. Maybe it's my brain trying to cope with the tragedy in front of me, and maybe God is letting me see a glimpse of what is really happening. Either way, I am grateful for this.

The Old Made New - South Sudan Pt 2

2 Corinthians 5:17 - Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.

I wanted to highlight another one of our patients, John. I was excited to see that our Samaritan's Purse media team also shared his story. Please read it here.

This guy stole a little piece of my heart by simply playing with a small beanie baby lion while waiting for his turn to go to surgery. Even though he was one of the older kids, I think it gave me hope that he still maintained some of his innocence despite everything he has endured.

During his surgery, John's mom paced in and out of the recovery area as at least 2 other patients went in and came out from surgery. She was so concerned even though I reassured her multiple times that is was normal for her son's operation to take longer because of the type of cleft lip defect that he had. When John finally emerged from the OR, his mother sat on the end of his bed watching him sleep. We asked her if she was happy with the result, and her only reply was, "It's okay". Then just a moment later, she covered her face with a scarf and wept.

John's mom giving him his mirror so that he could see his new lip for the first time.

Last but not least, y'all know I love every name change we have the privilege of facilitating, and John was one of many. His name when he came to us was Machiek, which means "deformed". On this one day of surgery we had 8 or 9 patients with this same name. By the time they returned home on the morning following they surgeries, they all received new names and identities, including John.

Don't forget to check out the link above to the SP article for more of John's story and more about the Cleft Lip project. 

Full Circle - South Sudan Part 1

After returning home from South Sudan, I received the top picture via e-mail from our Project Leader in Juba and it brought tears to my eyes. I can't really put into words what it's like to watch these transformations and know that these people have endured so much because of their deformity. This patient, Jacob, almost didn't get his chance, but the plane was able to pick him up after all. Before he left though, his friends covered him in prayer for his journey. I love that his friends were willing to look past his cleft lip and lend their support, and then they were there to greet him when he returned after his successful procedure. Huge thank you to the pilots for sending these pics! It's so great to see things come full circle.

I'm keeping this post short and sweet. The pictures speak for themselves.

For more pics you can click on this link.