Off to Juba

In a week I will be back in Juba, South Sudan on the Cleft Lip Surgery team with Samaritan's Purse. This will be my 4th trip with the team, and we have about 100 patients awaiting our arrival. Currently, 1 of 2 shipping containers have cleared customs in Kenya. Please pray for the 2nd container to be released in a timely manner. We cannot operate without the supplies. Please also pray for the safety of the team and the patients as we all travel to Juba.

Abraham and his new handsome smile (Nov 2014)

We have 3 full surgical teams this trip so we will be running 3 surgeries at a time in 1 operating room most of each day. Please check out this video from Samaritan's Purse.

http://www.samaritanspurse.org/article/transforming-lives-through-cleft-lip-surgery/

These trips are fully funded by donations to the Cleft Lip program through SP. Because of this, I do not have to fundraise to be a part of this team. Please consider supporting this ministry. The video shows the great need that exists for us to continue this trip, as well as expanding the program in the future.

                                                                   

A Glimpse

I usually save blogging for stories from my overseas trips, but I decided to do a little update. I've been back in the Pediatric ICU since October after being out for a year and a half. When I first went back, I was absolutely scared out of my mind. Much to my surprise, and relief, by the end of the first shift it seem to all come back to me, and by the end of the first week I felt right at home. Around the holidays we had some tough cases in the unit. I started to notice that things seemed different to me, but I couldn't really explain it or put it in to words. As we started the new year, we have barely been able to keep an open bed in the unit for more than a few minutes, meaning we have 30+ patients most of the time. The majority come, get better, and go home.

Over the last few weeks or so, we seem to have had a cluster of really difficult losses. I recently had a conversation with a coworker that was extremely helpful for me as we processed after taking care of a particular patient. It had hit me harder than most and my coworker asked me why I thought that was. Without hesitation, and without thinking, I told her it was because the family actually let me care for them, and so I was feeling it with them. We see people at their worst. In the midst of tragedy, coping is sometimes impossible, and a lot of times, it is difficult for families to receive from us because we are strangers and something horrible is happening to their child. For the staff, our own emotion and grief has to go somewhere, but over time we learn to shut it off. We have to disconnect to some degree or it just becomes overwhelming. In my time away from the ICU I forgot how to shut that off, but it turns out that I am very grateful for this. I didn't realize that I was so burnt out when I left, and the time off wasn't exactly planned. But now that I'm back I'm realizing how badly I needed a reprieve; to fill back up so that I would have something to give to these families. In this case, these parents allowed me to care for them, to help carry the grief, and to make the process peaceful. This is where I find the dichotomy of my job. I love it and I hate it. The very existence of my profession means that kids are sick, hurt, and dying. I hate that my job has to exist. On the other hand, since it does exist, I can't imagine a greater privilege than taking care of those very kids and their families. I love that. I really do love my job. I feel more of the pain because I choose not to shut down, but I also get to feel more joy. The day that it doesn't hurt or that I'm not sad with them, or that I don't feel the relief and joy, is the day I quit. Although there are losses, we have many victories too. There are days when I walk out of the hospital knowing that I was in the right place at the right time and our team did the right thing. In the joy of the victory, and in the sorrow and grief of the loss, I was created for this. More than ever before, I have felt the grace of God in my job in this recent challenging season. I have had some amazing connections and conversations with families. God has taught how to listen to them, given me the words to speak, and the wisdom to know when to be silent. Most of this has happened without me really realizing it, but the more I pray for God to take care of my assignments at work, the more He creates these encounters and I sit back amazed at what He is doing. I am reminded that joy and peace are not found in circumstances, whether good or bad. They are present because God is present with me. I am not in this on my own. If I were, I could never carry this load.

I don't want to leave this without adding a little something else. My niece, Bella, died almost 11 years ago. Sometimes I can't believe it's been that long. It feels like yesterday. God has taken that horrible loss and made me the nurse that I am. When I have the privilege of caring for a child who is headed to heaven, I picture Bella standing with Jesus waiting to greet them and show them around. Maybe it's my brain trying to cope with the tragedy in front of me, and maybe God is letting me see a glimpse of what is really happening. Either way, I am grateful for this.

The Old Made New - South Sudan Pt 2

2 Corinthians 5:17 - Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.

I wanted to highlight another one of our patients, John. I was excited to see that our Samaritan's Purse media team also shared his story. Please read it here.

This guy stole a little piece of my heart by simply playing with a small beanie baby lion while waiting for his turn to go to surgery. Even though he was one of the older kids, I think it gave me hope that he still maintained some of his innocence despite everything he has endured.

During his surgery, John's mom paced in and out of the recovery area as at least 2 other patients went in and came out from surgery. She was so concerned even though I reassured her multiple times that is was normal for her son's operation to take longer because of the type of cleft lip defect that he had. When John finally emerged from the OR, his mother sat on the end of his bed watching him sleep. We asked her if she was happy with the result, and her only reply was, "It's okay". Then just a moment later, she covered her face with a scarf and wept.

John's mom giving him his mirror so that he could see his new lip for the first time.

Last but not least, y'all know I love every name change we have the privilege of facilitating, and John was one of many. His name when he came to us was Machiek, which means "deformed". On this one day of surgery we had 8 or 9 patients with this same name. By the time they returned home on the morning following they surgeries, they all received new names and identities, including John.

Don't forget to check out the link above to the SP article for more of John's story and more about the Cleft Lip project. 

Full Circle - South Sudan Part 1

After returning home from South Sudan, I received the top picture via e-mail from our Project Leader in Juba and it brought tears to my eyes. I can't really put into words what it's like to watch these transformations and know that these people have endured so much because of their deformity. This patient, Jacob, almost didn't get his chance, but the plane was able to pick him up after all. Before he left though, his friends covered him in prayer for his journey. I love that his friends were willing to look past his cleft lip and lend their support, and then they were there to greet him when he returned after his successful procedure. Huge thank you to the pilots for sending these pics! It's so great to see things come full circle.

I'm keeping this post short and sweet. The pictures speak for themselves.

For more pics you can click on this link.

Smiles in South Sudan

I am excited to say that I am headed back to South Sudan with the Cleft Lip Team! After our trip last year Sudan suffered through some major political instability, and that's putting it lightly. We knew there were still many people who needed us to be able to come back, but we had no idea if or when we would be able to return. Thankfully things have settled enough for Samaritan's Purse to send the team for another year, and I am so privileged to be able to be a part again.

We have some interesting challenges this year, so please be praying. The operating rooms we usually use, as well as the recovery room, are all being renovated. They have set up a makeshift OR in another area and the recovery will be....somewhere. It's always an adventure :). 

Additional prayer points:

- Consistent power and water supply to these makeshift areas. 

- No lost bags! And smooth clearance through customs. Many of the team members, myself included, are carrying trunks full of medical supplies that we can't work without. 

- Safety and health for the team and our patients. Many of these patients travel miles for several days to reach us and receive their surgery. 

- Security and stability where the political environment is concerned. 

- For our chaplains and the other wonderful Sudanese members of our team. We couldn't do it without them!
- We will be doing slightly more complex surgeries this time. In the past we have done cleft lip repairs only, but this year we are hoping to do several cleft palate repairs as well. It means longer surgery time, more painful recovery and sometimes having to work hard to get the little ones to eat and drink after.

That's all for now. Stay tuned for pictures and stories, as always. 

Gracious Uncertainty

After 3 and a half years of temporary employment and frequent travels, I will be settling back into a full-time job. Some time in the next few months I will also be going back to school. I knew the school thing was coming, but I was in denial for a while. Hospitals across the US are starting to change their rules to say that they hire only Bachelors Degree nurses. 10 years ago when I was in school, nobody cared about Associates vs. Bachelors. Unfortunately, now they do, which means back to school I go. In light of this, I decided to stop doing contract work and look for a full-time job. 

The last few months have been a roller coaster for me. I wish I could say that I have trusted God throughout this process without wavering. I would love to write about how I never doubted God would come through. Well, I did waver, and I did doubt. I asked a million questions and even begged for some stuff, worrying about what God might have planned (as if it might be bad). Through all of this God taught me lessons I couldn't have learned any other way, and now as I watch things unfold, I am amazed again at His goodness and faithfulness. Despite all of my failings in this process, God's faithfulness did not change. 

When I got a phone call from a pediatric home health agency a couple of weeks ago, I actually told the guy I wasn't interested in home health, but I would take the information anyway. And then I called him back and asked him a million questions, but was still skeptical. After over 9 years of Pediatric ICU, I couldn't envision sitting in a house with one patient. Honestly, the picture in my head was one of boredom. One week later he calls me back and tells me they have a very unique situation that might be a good fit for me. When I heard the story, I thought, for the first time, that this might be plausible. Another week later, I interviewed with the agency and met the family. After I left their house that day, I started to realize all the ways that God had answered my prayers for a job. I had 2 specific requests: dayshift; and that the people I would be working with would be supportive of my overseas trips (which the mom was very excited about). These were met, and more. As a bonus, God placed me in a situation where I am able to continue doing pediatrics (I thought I would have to give this up until I finished my degree).

One of my favorite devotions is from Oswald Chambers', My Utmost For His Highest. It says, 

"Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life - gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God...We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next...Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in - but you can be certain that He will come."

I love that Chambers describes the attitude in which we should live as "gracious uncertainty". I am really good at uncertainty, it's the "gracious" part I need to work on. I hope that I can learn to be more gracious and less anxious, and to live with "breathless expectation" of a loving Father who desires to give good gifts to His children.

Old Made New

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the OLD has gone, the NEW has come!"

2 Corinthians 5:17

My favorite thing, by far, about our trips to South Sudan is helping patients choose new names. One day in the middle of the week this year, I looked at our surgery schedule for the day and realized that at least half of our 15 patients that day had a name I recognized; they were named "deformed". We had first learned about the meaning of these names at the very end of our week last year. Amidst everything else that needed to be done first thing in the morning, suddenly I had one mission: find the pastors! Pastor Justin and Pastor Robert are our Sudanese pastors that work with us each year. They are amazing men of God, and I knew that they would have time to talk with these families. I found Pastor Robert and explained the situation, which he also remembered from last year. I could see by the look on his face that he was now suddenly on a mission. And then we went about our day...

Near the end of that day when I had a break, I snuck away to go to the ward where the patients were. Before I could even make it into the building, Pastor Robert found me and practically dragged me inside. He was so excited! He began to tell me how they had 5 patients who had chosen new names and they were about to pray with the 6th. He took me around to all of the beds introducing me to the patients with their new names, and then with Pastor Justin we went to the bedside of the 6th. I had the privilege of watching as they explained to the teenager that he could not let anyone call him "deformed" any longer. He had a new identity in Christ now; the old had been made new. It's hard to put the scene into words, honestly. The transformation that occurred at that moment was not the outward physical transformation. He was now, Matthew James.

Matthew James

Blessing

  

This is Grace

Peter

                                                         This is David Luka

Joshua Yohannes

In 6 days of surgery, we completed 90 cleft lip repairs. There are so many stories, I wish there were time to tell them all. I will put a few more pics here at the end of the families we were able to do surgery for; sisters, a mother and son, and a father and daughter.

Sister, Tesilia and Lelia

Mother and Son, Elizabeth and Minyiel

Father and Daughter, Marko and Amoung.
When Marko woke up following his surgery, he insisted that he pray
 for us in his own tribal dialect. It is impossible to describe what that
moment was like. He said that because he was poor all he could do
in return was pray God's blessing for us and the rest of the team.
He proceeded to pray one of the most sincere, heartfelt prayers
I've ever heard in my life. I didn't have to know exactly what he was
saying to know that he was eternally grateful and meant every word.

If you want to see more pics, click here: Part 1 and Part 2.

See previous blog post for slideshow.